Tomorrow

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It's now been two weeks since the theoretically-likely day of my 'Salty the Sea Princess' book rejection came and went. The longer the delay, the more likely it is that the publishers have lost all reason and are actually considering publishing me. Wouldn't that be nice, though?

I lost my sanity over my writing in 2004, so by now it's passe to say I "need" to be published. I've needed publication for four years, yet I have more or less survived (though for two years I was too insane to earn a living). By now, I'm doing well. Or at least, I will be once I get a reply about 'Salty'. The general pattern is that I get rejected (eventually) and immediately feel better. I expect that's what'll happen here. Getting a punch in the guts is fine - waiting for it is deadly.

My sanity is wavering at present - something as innocuous as being told not to worry can set me off into shaking and crying. I haven't cried in front of employers since I left retail (yay), though I'm often on the edge of losing it as I drive to work (not yay). My weight is steadily going back up (not yay). . . but I'm not on drugs (yay yay). My debt weighs on me every day, but my work pays (in fellish terms) quite well, and I have more than I need (yay). At this rate, I could pay off my debt in about ten years. Hmm.

Getting published is a wondrous fantasy. It'd be the beginning of acknowledgement for a decade of novel writing, and would instantly prove that I'm not nearly as pathetic as I look/act/feel. Conversations with new people about what I "do" would involve a lot less awkward pauses on my part. Plus, it'd net me thousands of dollars instantly. I guarantee publication would make me a better person. (Which is the saddest thing of all this mess.)

I don't really know how to rate my chances. I've been very close to publication before, and ended up getting nowhere. 'Salty the Sea Princess' is a great book - my favourite, in fact, though that makes me think I may have indulged myself more than I should. Probably the book that's done the best until now is 'Storm Hunter', which has two serious structural flaws (one, that it suddenly turns from action-adventure to romance, and two, that the romance is a serious one involving a child - which doesn't fit the 'arr, me hearties' tone of the rest). If Salty gets rejected, it will probably be because:

1) 'Salty' has too much obvious backstory - it feels like a sequel (which in fact it is....worse, the original story is adults-only, while 'Salty' is aimed at primary kids!)

2) there is too much violence (actually I don't think that'll be a problem)

3) the theme of redemption is booooooorrrriiiiiiiinnnng

4) readers don't feel close to my characters.

5) story feels rushed.

6) it's not marketable

7) it's too literary-ish for the target age.

#4 is the most important, and perhaps #7. I'm pretty sure the rest are minor issues, or have been patched up well enough they don't matter too much.

#6 is the aspect I know the least about - that's the basic reason 'Storm Hunter' was rejected. On the other hand, 'Salty' has pirates, a princess, and magic...what's not to love?

Fundamentally, I feel pretty bad at the moment. At the same time, everything could change tomorrow. I hope I at least get a rejection real fast, because the waiting is pushing me farther from sanity than I like.

The more time passes, the more convinced I am of my own general mediocrity as a writer (and as a human, which is a different matter entirely). But I still think I'll be published. Eventually, this will all be a great story about the bad old days. I just don't know how much it will end up costing me. I am not a good person to be around, and I'm terrified of losing ....well, of losing Tim. He'd be surprised and disappointed that I even  think there's a chance of him dumping me, but honestly! How many times should a boyfriend be asked to deal with a whining, snotting girlfriend before he decides to move on?

It's times like this I wish I was sane, and easily satisfied with something - anything - other than writing. But I'm in too deep to back out now.

Fel

image by -k-
courtesy of Creative Commons