Turns out space travel really isn't as easy as the sci-fi shows make it look. Nor is dating an alien. My boyfriend's name is Wxtrz - and that's the English version. I figured it'd be awkward to meet his parents, but had no idea how tough it would turn out to be.

It happened via his Mum. Specifically, his Mum's womb. It was dark in there, and stifling hot, and it smelled like I'd eaten a car and then thrown up.

When I came out I was reborn, reoriented, and really slimy. Also my skull was a different shape. But I was there - in Wxtrz's family nest - ever so many quadrillion light years away from where I'd cheerfully agreed to a meeting.

If you think that was unusual, you should have seen the coffee.