A-League Grand Final - So exciting Hewitt loses it, again!

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A-League Grand Final Madness... The preview to end all previews!

The Situation made a whole season without attending one Sydney FC match. It really didn’t take too much commitment though.

After the dross served up in the first two seasons, we decided in a moment of comedown clear-eyed-ness, that the huge wage the Situation pulls would be better spent on gifts to his female better half, as well as hooker and coke orgies along with a life-size cardboard cut-out of Pete Doherty.

Luckily for the football loving public, of which we are a fully paid up member, this year’s A-League final will not involve Sydney FC [the oles could be heard as these words were typed] or their pitiful and painful attempts at a short pass.

Instead, Gary van Egghead’s Newcastle Jets will be up against the Central Coast Mariners coached by the Scotch loving Scot L. Mac this weekend at the Sydney Football Stadium or whatever the name ponytail wearing, finger-clicking suits have decided upon this week.

The FFA, making the wise decision to move the match to Sydney on the basis that both the Coast and Newcastle are holes and in urgent need of demolition, has already called the decision a success after 10,000 tickets were sold on the first day of their release.

It has not commented on reports however, that all 10,000 tickets were bought by Mariners stakeholder John Singleton to allow Alan Jones and Ray Hadley to spruik on 2GB to the grey-haired brigade in between lambasting Muslims and people who call gay people queens. Hadley loves gay men apparently. Well, he sure does love the Parrot.

Meanwhile, Sydney FC has travelled overseas for the Pan-Pacific Championships. The Situation has though, upon some dirt-digging, come across a far more sensible reason for the club’s trip to Hawaii.

A club spokesman, speaking on the condition of anonymity and in a voice disguised by years of cigarette smoking, has said that with Sydney FC’s confusion, total lack of consistency and believability, they would be the perfect substitute for the television show Lost.

Good luck to the Mariners and Jets on Sunday. The Situation’s tip – Tarek Elrich to have a blinder for Newcastle.

Feel the Wrath of my Backhand against your face, says Hewitt

Village idiot Lleyton Hewitt is at it again. This time he’s picked on a “certain level of magazine” as his target for his sweet nothings.

Referring to the very same tabloid magazines he and his wife, good Aussie sheila Bec, are only to happy to take money from when they churn out another bogan or purchase a check tablecloth, Hewitt tearfully explained how all this conjecture about the state of Bec’s mental health is “hard to deal with.”

Lleyton, conveniently forgetting how hard it is to deal with his wife’s supposed acting talent, also let slip how "whatever people might think, I'm really a shy, down-to-earth lad who just likes being with my mates and whose favourite way of spending a weekend is a family barbecue.”

For whatever reason it may be, the Situation cannot really imagine Hewitt quietly relaxing with beer in hand at a serene barbecue spot.

Those onions that don’t caramelise and brown properly would get to him as the afternoon wore on. Sooner or later, a “C’MON!!” would only be inevitable followed by, “What are you?! A spastic? Just look at it… they’re all brown. Jesus! Theyr’e all out to get me… Bec call the Shark - quick. I need to whinge about the state of the barbecue surface. It’s not greasy enough… C’MON!!"