Pissheads, Pissers and Piss-takes

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Bring Back the NRL and AFL pre-seasons!

With both the NRL and AFL seasons commencing for another year following another pre-season of ‘off-field incidents’, the Situation wonders what hope there is for the improvement of an average footballer’s cognitive abilities if they haven’t yet passed toilet training but have to master an interactive DVD from the AFL on the topic of sexual ethics - the subject better known in footy circles as rootin’ drunk sheilas/scraggers/sluts or whatever endearing term our beloved boofheads have come up with to declare their undying [vomit-ridden] love for womenfolk this Sunday morning.

The Situation is glad to offer another warm welcome back to everyone’s favourite westie and ol’ Parramatta Town drunk, Tim Smith, who has fallen back into the grateful arms of Eels Emperor Denis Fitzgerald and Puppydog Hagan only one week BEFORE the Situation predicted Smith would make a miraculous, hail Mary and Benny Hinn return to the NRL from his drinking blues.

The Situation has for some time now seriously been considering a full-time move into one of drug addict/runner. If Smith’s rehab and recovery time is anything to go by, we here at the Situation feel one month of being grounded is totally worth the 10,000 days of beer, cocaine and Nazi orgies.

Wayne’s World of really, really accurate memories

After the acid comedown on Monday night, the Situation can now clearly and quite candidly state that for the first time in a long time it has seen clarity.

Our memory is scant and spotty but we imagined seeing AFL Wife Beater Hall of Famer, Wayne Carey, turning in his best Russell Crowe impression of acting like a sane, decent person on Enough Rope.

There he was telling little inquisitive Dents all about the indecent assaults, drink and drug binges, being besties with Jason Moran, and not being able to remember any or much of the key incidents in his life.

Carey, in between sniffles and calls to his blow dealer, became just the latest sportsman to go down the public confession route of rehab. Public confession users such as Andrew Johns and Ben Cousins are said to swear by the method of saving one’s hypocritical career while sporting bodies such as the AFL have begun implementing courses at clubs for players involved in the next inevitable ‘unsavoury incident’ – a term that applies just as easily to a sledge on the field as to fully-fledged kung-fu practice on one’s partner using a wine glass as a prop.

Mental as Anything, or Doggies Supporters

The Situation loves mental sports fans. Especially mental, downright crazy, bogan NRL fans. This dwindling species can be found tracksuited, with a 1980s beanie pulled down as low as possible to conceal a fair smattering of missing teeth.

So it was with great pleasure we read of the Sun-Herald article where Bulldogs fan Bryan Parnell sobbed about his disappointment while claiming Willie Mason had betrayed the club for the Roosters following last season. For you see, Parnell had named his son after big Willie-style. Parnell is now “filthy with him.”

Parnell says Bulldogs fans had been loyal in defending accusations of player indiscretions but now everyone at the club hates Mason and wants him to get smashed before this weekend’s match between the clubs. Gees, the Situation wonders what the Dogs’ self-professed Bulldogs Amy supporters have in store for Mason if single-celled fathers are already leading a dole line queue of embittered dunderheads.

Who said sport was ever for grown-ups?

image by pberry
courtesy of creative commons