TENNIS, ANYONE?

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What we’ve learnt from Week One of the Australian Open

1. If you want to be anyone in the world of tennis, you will require an adjective to always precede your name to allow lazy, fat, free-ticket receiving hacks [sorry it’s the “gutsy” Lleyton in us] to fully encapsulate your highs, lows and groin injuries to Dencorub treatment ratio over an entire career.

For example we have “glamour girl” Ana Ivanovic. Wherever there’s glamour, it seems semantically the letters ‘A,n,a,space,I,v,a,n,o,v,i,c’ undoubtedly follow in newspapers and magazines from here to Serbia, where “crazy” Damir has taken a rest from complaining about the state of fish stocks and complained that he would be richer had Jelena been more of a “glamour”.

Unconfirmed reports from St Tropez suggest Karl Lagerfeld has even taken to replacing the word ‘glamour’ with ‘anaivanovic’. The Chanel designer - who as a 74 year old, grey-haired, ludicrously almost always black-attired German gay man is uniquely positioned to understand the fashion choices of young women everywhere - has contacted Ivanovic’s manager to let him know he has been watching developments in tennis closely and will be copyrighting the term before “cheap-vicht” Lleyton gets to it.

2. Don’t piss off Channel Seven [or their advertisers]!!!

Especially if you’re a woman and black and standing in front of the good Aussie battler, Lleyton. The television network even went after tournament director Craig Tiley, who with a suspiciously sounding South African accent, probably isn’t the best person to act as a lackey and attempt to push black women on to a side court.

When that didn’t work, Lleyton and Marcos Baghdatis were forced to play a third round match that went even well past the Sunday 3am kebab rush on Lygon Street [sorry Marcos, ‘yeeros’ for those Greeks out there. Kebabs are Turkish and we don’t like them].

Tiley was then dragged in front of the self-righteous network’s news crews to explain how he couldn’t reschedule an entire tournament just so Channel Seven could receive the extra audience revenue from the bogans who support Lleyton, not to mention all those evil Turks who were backing little Lleyton’s bid to take over the rest of Cyprus.

Some advice for Channel Seven – when selecting sporting events to broadcast, remember some such as the tennis, don’t have set end times like Home and Away. The best sport is the unpredictable kind, so get over it “you flamin’ mongrels”.

3. No matter what, you can never beat Roger Federer.

The Serbian Superman Janko Tipsarevic, aka Clark Kent, gave hope to optically challenged, Dostoyevsky-loving angst-ridden youth everywhere with a metaphorical ‘up yours’ to the Oh Great One’s greatness just to see that ‘up yours’ return with a serve to the backhand corner when things for Federer looked even more grim than Raskolnikov’s future. All order resumed then.