Foreigners, Golfers and Drunks

Aussies Go Black [won’t go back] and Double Dutch

The appointments of new Wallabies coach Robbie Deans and Socceroos mentor Pim Verbeek surely means only one thing; sports fans prepare yourselves for funny accents to slowly begin to infiltrate all walks of Australian life.

Where once New Zealanders were mocked and taunted over the inability to pronounce their love for six sheep [unlike us ‘dinkum’ Aussies], schoolchildren will now begin to emulate their Tasman betters.

Watch how they swap the good ‘ol Aussie emu for the little wuss that is the Kiwi and then go on to do things the New Zealand way – a way pretty much like the Aussie way, just uh um over in Auckland and stuff.

Kids will dream about the day they can “just chill, bro” and move to Bondi to live in some filthy hostel dive before taking on a job at Cheers or Scruffy Murphy’s [where they will have to refuse entrance to Maoris/ Maori-looking types – yeh that includes those bloody Tongans, Samoans, Fijians] where they will reminisce with other former Welly homeboys while having an obligatory Irishman in a double-nelson.

Life would be grand. With a former All Black at the helm now, Deans will be able to teach the Wallaby vest-wearers the close art-form of choking in the semi-finals instead of just being shit-poor throughout major tournaments. John O’Neill, stand up and be applauded. Alright, sit back down now; your head’s in the way.  

Yet with the increasing population of football amongst sections in Australia, sociologists and linguists have predicted for there to be a quite significant increase in office workers calling for a morning snack of Poffertjes with a doobie in the near future.

Watch slowly baked drones at their desks take time out to practice knowing Kevin and his regering and applying to be a scheepswerktuigkundige when not entertaining thoughts of joining [Green and] Goldmember Pim Verbeek’s squad of highly paid injury prone hybrid accented journeymen.

Rejoice as you find out that he knows Aussie Guus and unAustralian Dick [Advocaat, not Pratt]. Conveniently forget how most long-term [or career] assistant coaches are rubbish. Oh yes, we’ll be alright with Pim. He’ll guide us past through the first qualifying stage. Right into second place. Eat your heart out Grumpy Arnold. Well done Frank Lowy, you’ve outdone yourself this time… you know John O’Neill, right?

Allenby tells of great friendship with Hewitt

Golfer Robert Allenby has told all to next week’s edition of New Idea about his ever closer relationship with tennis ace and all round village idiot Lleyton Hewitt. Inspired by Hewitt’s legendary spats with Australian Open tennis tournament organisers for not making it easier for him to win, Allenby has in the past month told of his existential angst when it comes to drunks, golf fans, drunks, golf fans, drunk journos writing off fat or boring Aussie golfers, drunks, golf fans and 'slowly getting drunk and time to write off that dickhead Allenby’ golf fans.

Allenby has confided to middle-aged frumpy conservative housewives everywhere of how little Lleyton strategised behind the scenes to get him maximum coverage over the past few weeks at the expense of Golf Australia CEO Paul McNamee, who also just happens to be True Blue Lleyts’ one time nemesis of the rebound ace.

Hewitt’s alleged to have shouted “Come on” and was soon spotted showing Jim’s Mowing the difficult art of starting an engine, after seeing Allenby stride out to Party Hole 11th at the recent Aust Open golf tournament wearing the fluffy pink ear muffs irate Robbie had asked Hewitt’s wife, Australian darling Bec, to fetch him from wherever bogan families shop.

NRL moves Grand Final to 5pm… Drunks celebrate

With the NRL deciding to move the Grand Final start to an earlier 5pm kickoff, drunks have piled out in droves this morning from TABs and pubs across the country to applaud the decision before keeling over and watching a tabouli and hommus mix special splashing off a dingy wall onto their scuffed shoes.

One drunk, who claimed to have been an alcoholic for 22 years, gambler for 20 and rugby league fan and footballer for 15 years commented, “It’s great! Now we have time to get pissed before the match, pissed more after and pissed even more if we’re not happy with the way the game went and even more pissed if we won…. Yeh, and also it’s good for the kids to have barbies and…the wonderful people who run the alcohol industry.”

Parramatta Eels star Tim Smith confirmed the comments in rehab when questioned whether they could be attributed to him. Smith, wearing a straight-jacket, also made mention somewhat incoherently about partaking in a Grand Final sausage other than the prerequisite Mad Monday sexual assault, or male/team bonding session. He insisted his stint in rehab was voluntary and he will be out to face his demons just in time for the round four clash against defending premiers Melbourne Storm.


Photo by: Michael Davie