Ahh it’s that time of the year again. When Europe lets loose and shows us why the European Union was really formed. To show the world that Europe is in fact a serious, sane continent and not all 35 hour working weeks, strikes and legalised magic mushrooms (possibly the cuisine of choice at the song contest).

With every new year comes confirmation that even those we consider the most cultured people in the world have bad days. Also, with each year an extra 10 new rules contradicting the previous years additions are added to a list larger than the catalogue of Bushisms. The selection process is now even more confusing than a federal election ballot, all in the name of fairness. Practically, Eurovision should be the one time of the year that Europeans battle it out, where politically incorrectness and slurring wealthier neighbours comes without risk of war. Let’s face it, a smorgasbord of differing cultures, languages and religions on one tiny continent is a little like 4 flat mates sharing a granny flat.

This year the host country is Serbia. 10 bucks says Croatians won’t be crossing the border. Yes, Eurovision is not just the hub of all things weird and wonderful. Into the melting pot goes political correctness, historical grudges not forgotten and the so-called pity points. It’s a vicious boxing ring of glitter, lycra and kitsch.

Eurovision is an excellent way to polish up your knowledge of European political relations. Germany will almost definitely generously give it’s ‘dear neighbours’ Poland 10 or 12 points as a means to rectify the turbulent post-war relationship. It’s the least they can do seeing as they refuse to further co-fund the maintenance of World War II memorial sites.  Portugal gives high points to ‘our good neighbours’ Spain to temporarily shelve the idea of Iberianism. Former Soviet states send off 12 points to ‘our comrades’ Russia with a 'leave us alone' message.

‘Douze point pour Grèce’, that’s Cyprus praising Greece, in the hope that their protection from the Turks will be unconditional. For the record, Greece and Cyprus’ loving 12 point tokens of love have lasted 12 years. Britain is almost always last. Their history of empire expansion and invasion finally bit them on the buttocks.

The votes to watch are those from Switzerland. Their eternal neutral state means they are probably the most accurate in terms of who should deserve to win.

There are a few formulas to creating the winning song. First, chuck in a few words in the host countries language or include the countries folk instrument in the score. The exception to this rule is of course France. Because French is the official language of Europe. It’s just the rest of the world hasn’t realised this yet. Although this year, someone took a look at statistics and wrote France's entry with Enlgish lyrics. The matter is currently being furiously debated in French Parliament. Apparently France is also Europe’s ideal country and have no other poignant, pressing matters to resolve such as the fishing port strikes blocking Cross-Channel traffic.

Another technique is revamping a previous winner’s song. This can only be done if the winning song in question was from your country. Case in point: Greece. The beat, the girl, the ludicrous rhyming...see  Greece’s winning entry 2005. In fact if you take the riff from 2005 and slow it down, you’ve just created the 2008 entry!

Subliminal singing may have just been invented by Ireland this year. ‘Ireland, douze points, Ireland, twelve points’ repeated for the requisite 3 minutes surely stuck in the minds of at least some of the 100-million viewers eligible to vote.

Alternatively, if neither of the above work, sprawl yourself on the floor and serenade the stage lights, Russian style.

The contest isn’t all trash and bubble-gum pop. Eurovision’s credibility is firm. It produced such classic artists as ABBA and Agnetha Fältskog. Okay so she’s one quarter of the famous quartet. She did have a brief solo career which would have never gained recognition were it not for Eurovision. Celine Dion made an appearance to help Switzerland’s ranks and catapulted her into almost every American love ballad compilation CD ever released. But everyone knows she’s really Canadian.

There may be a reason some countries are willing to bring out the worst of its singers so that they may never have to host the contest. It’s big bucks. Euro bucks which not every EU country is willing to convert to. A contest usually costs 12 million Euro to stage. And that’s just money spent on retrieving vintage clothing from the 70’s.

Eurovision has gained such popularity, 600-million viewers worldwide to be exact, one wonder's if the world's IQ levels plummet simultaneously for those four hours of eclectic combination,  predictable imagination in the European destination (lyrics disguised as parting words courtesy of Greece's 2008 entry).