Upon sharing said news with those around me there has been a general air of misconception.  The quiet and scornful implication being that I now balance upon a precipice, certain to plunge into the waiting abyss of noon-time talk shows and long days in tracky dacks.  All this conveyed with narrowed eyes and pursed lips. 

The response is predictably the same:

“Where will you go?”

“What will you do?”

“How will you survive,” their thoughts seem to scream “without your every waking moment predetermined by a series of bells and whistles emanating from your outlook calendar?” 

It’s true I have been here before and these thoughts have indeed occurred to me.  I once had an entire month off between jobs before the sheer weight of aimlessness sent me hurtling toward the very next office that would employ me. 

Therein, perhaps, lies the problem?

If speaking on the topic of relationships I would be all too quick to advise a serial monogamist against the perils of once again diving headfirst into a new coupling.  When it comes to work, however, I’m the office hopping equivalent of a tarted up strumpet - all too overeager to impress and terrified at the prospect of, heaven forbid, just being.      

How does one define oneself without such points of reference?  The all too common question is “what do you do?” not “who are you?” after all.  Much of life’s meaningful politics lies in the dichotomy between the “work self” and the “civilian self” and if these get mixed up does the idea of professionalism go out the window?  What on earth is to be done then? 

During a career crisis of yore I turned to night school, fervently hoping to quash such questions and in the meantime lay the foundations for a shiny new career as a counsellor.  In a highly ironic twist of fate I happened to select a unit on the teachings of mindfulness. 

Grounded in Buddhist philosophy mindfulness is the act of living in the present and gathering skills to maintain a focus on the here and now. Suffering is viewed as a platform to learning rather than an unproductive event bound for repression-ville and though an alien concept to the would-be ladder climber it would perhaps be a better friend than foe. 

It’s true; if we shake the ties that bind us we are inevitably going to be faced with questions in need of more complicated answers than “I’m a Sales Support Officer, thank you for asking.”  If I am just Louisa – than who the heck is she?  Yet standing here, upon this precipice I am filled with a sense of wonder at the potential of my learning. 

Maybe, just maybe there is more to me than the sleep, eat, work, eat, sleep merry-go-round?  This is not to say that I plan to set up permanent shop on the couch and never return from the working world, far from it.  I do, however, hope to give myself the time and space to make a decision that comes from the heart and not purely the impulsive fear of my dwindling pocket book.          

I might even like what I find.  Wouldn’t that be interesting? 

Image by CodeFin, licensed by creative commons